High-Ranking Lawyer

By BEN BIRNBAUM

FRANZ KAFKA: THE OFFICE WRITINGS
Edited by Stanley Corngold, Jack Greenberg, and Benno Wagner
Translated by Eric Patton with Ruth Hein
440 pages. Princeton University Press. $45.

"Translation, with commentary, of writings by Kafka produced in the course of his career as a high-ranking lawyer with the Workmen's Accident Insurance Institute in the 'Czech Lands' of the Austro-Hungarian Empire."—Chronicle of Higher Education, "New Scholarly Books," February 13, 2009

11.04.08
Liebe Herr Sturmkart:
Pursuant to your claim that you were struck by my client's De Dion-Bouton "Populaire" whilst attempting to cross the Heisenpfeffer Platz at 2 p.m. on 5.22.08, I must inform you that our own witnesses say the encounter never took place. Perhaps it was another vehicle that struck you, or perhaps you're actually a cockroach. Seriously, this sort of thing does no one any good, and in fact drives up insurance rates for everyone in the Empire.
F. Kafka
High-ranking Lawyer


[Undated]
Marie, dear girl:
Please obtain for me a wiener schnitzel from the Gestampta Cafe (hold the onions; I've got a meeting at 2 with the Big Guy). Also a large coffee, black. And if you can get them to pull a kolaches from the BACK of the display case and not from yesterday's drek that they put at the front, I'll have the strawberry or apricot ONLY. (You know what prunes do to my sensitive tum-tum.)
Herr Kafka


2.5.09
Liebe Herr Director:
I understand that you enquired after my whereabouts yesterday when you found that I was not at my desk at 4 p.m. I regret I had to leave early in order to consider my miserable status in a world without meaning. Just joking. I had a dentist's appointment. It went well.
Yours,
F. Kafka


4.7.09

Herr Housekeeping Director:
My trash barrel has not been emptied in three days. Please take care of this.
F. Kafka


[Undated]
JT: Put me down for five crowns. FK

6.13.09
Seminar Topic: "Croatian Tax Code Revisions"
Presenter: Herr Petr Dubnov, Zagreb Branch Manager

—Pick up herring for dinner party at Brod's
—Write long letter to Dad
—Lidia Kurelanda is hot hot hot
When George Washington woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself transformed into the president of Amerika (sp?).
When George Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself transformed into a retired auctioneer.
When Gregor Washington woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself transformed into a woman with a behind that would have shamed a Lipizzaner brood mare. His eyes had inexplicably turned blue and were brimming with inchoate desire to be saddled and ridden hard.
zyxwutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba                41 seconds
zyxwutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba               38 sec.
zyxwutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba               28 sec.
zyxwutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba               39
When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself transformed into matzoh brei.
K U R E L A N D A  = NUDE ARK   REAL DARK


6.17.09
Leibe Frau Mutlicha:
Pursuant to your complaint that you've not yet received the payout from the life insurance policy (#597911-B) carried by your father, Heinrich Rostentrop, late of Turka, and for which you are the designated heir, allow me to ask why you wish to further profit from the death of a father. Was not his passing sufficient reward for your love and patience?
F. Kafka
High-ranking Lawyer
P.S. The check is in the mail. Enjoy.


[Undated]
Marie, dear girl:
A dozen pencils
Two legal pads
Some chocolates to offer guests
The self from which I'm alienated :)
Do you happen to know Lidia Kurelanda in accounting?

10.27.09
FROM: FK
TO: RG
RE: Whad'ya think?
Plaintiff's Motion seeking an order compelling a deposition of Pavel Topolonek lacks any legal basis. Plaintiff has come to the Court to compel a deposition that was never subpoenaed and never noticed. Plaintiff failed to confer regarding the Motion as required by the Rules of the District of Budejovicka. This alone requires that the Motion be denied and blah blah.


12.04.09
INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
CONFIDENTIAL AND PERSONAL
TO: Tomas C., Marketing; Arne M., Receivables; Johann T., Audit; Wilhelm L., Mailroom; Vlad H., Purchasing
RE: "Top five things to say to get rid of your girlfriend"
1) Guilt is never to be doubted.
2) The beginning of understanding is the wish to die.
3) I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy.
4) I've given up bathing until there's a revolution in Russia.
5) (If she's Jewish) What have I in common with Jews? I have hardly anything in common with myself.
See you tonight. Don't tap the Becherovka until I get there.
"The K-Man"

12.27.1909

Marie, dear girl:
Just a note to thank you very kindly for The History of Penal Colonies. It was just what I wanted. Hope your holiday went well and that you're enjoying the closet sachet.
Yours,
Herr Kafka