A Rebbetzin's Advice

By SAM APPLE

THE COMMITTED MARRIAGE
A Guide to Finding a Soul Mate and Building a Relationship Through Timeless Biblical Wisdom
By Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
270 pages. HarperSanFrancisco. $23.95.

It’s not so often one encounters a book by a rebbetzin, the Yiddish term for a rabbi’s wife. While an author search for “rabbi” on Amazon.com turned up 525 results, I was only able to track down three self-identified rebbetzins who have written books. And so it was with considerable excitement that I sat down to read The Committed Marriage: A Guide to Finding a Soul Mate and Building a Relationship Through Timeless Biblical Wisdom by Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis.

Rebbetzin Jungreis is a big time rebbetzin. Perhaps not since the Maid of Ludomir—a 19^th century Hasidic woman who lectured visitors from all over Europe through a crack in an open door—has an Orthodox woman grown so famous for teaching Torah. Not only does Rebbetzin Jungreis regularly speak to crowds of more than a thousand on New York’s Upper West Side, she also writes a column for the Jewish Press and teaches Torah classes on cable TV. Rebbetzin Jungreis (it’s just “Rebbetzin” to her followers) even has her own Jewish outreach organization, Hineni, dedicated, according to its website, to “fighting the spiritual holocaust among Jews in the U.S. and around the world.”

The Committed Marriage, Rebbetzin Jungreis’ third book, is structured around conversations the rebbetzin has had with distressed spouses over the years. Like most authors of marriage guides, Rebbetzin Jungreis instructs spouses to be better listeners, to show more patience, and to be careful not to take the little things for granted. Unlike most authors of marriage guides, Rebbetzin Jungreis also instructs the spouses to sing psalms when problems arise.

Reciting psalms might be good advice for an Orthodox Jew in the midst of a marital crisis, but Rebbetzin Jungreis makes clear that she is advising non-Orthodox Jews, and this is the central problem with her book: it’s clearly intended for a less religious audience and yet almost all of her advice is predicated upon fundamentalist beliefs that few non-Orthodox readers are likely to share. Less observant or faithful readers may be interested in the wisdom of the various rabbis Rebbetzin Jungreis cites, but they’re unlikely to be swayed by her argument that the key to opening a belligerent spouse’s heart is praying harder.

Rebbetzin Jungreis didn’t have to fall into this trap. If there’s a model for The Committed Marriage, it’s Kosher Sex by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Both Rabbi Boteach and Rebbetzin Jungreis set out to demonstrate that an Orthodox lifestyle is the key to marital bliss, but Rabbi Boteach seems to better understand the conceit of the newly emerging Orthodox self-help genre: Non-Orthodox readers need to be convinced of the superiority of Orthodox Jewish practice on utilitarian grounds. It’s not enough for to tell non-Orthodox Jews “the Torah says so.” They need to be persuaded that the Torah is right.

Then again, it’s perhaps a good thing that Rebbetzin Jungreis hasn’t backed up her advice with very compelling arguments because, as often as not, the advice is bad. When a husband tells her that he wants to wait until he is financially secure before having children, Rebbetzin Jungreis blows off his concerns. “If you have faith in G-d, He will help you provide for them [the children],” Rebbetzin Jungreis informs the clearly anxious man, then callously adds, “Besides, it’s not as if you’re not earning a living. So you make some budgetary changes …”A woman who tells Rebbetzin Jungreis she has recently been sharing her troubles with a friend is instructed to spend less time talking to others about her problems and more time praying. (This advice seems especially odd coming from an author who has made something of a career out of talking with people about their marital problems.)

There are some moving anecdotes in The Committed Marriage. My favorite comes in the first pages as Rebbetzin Jungreis describes her husband on his deathbed in the hospital, trying to find a wife for one of the doctors. And Rebbetzin Jungreis’ love of Jewish tradition can be heartwarming at times. But if you're looking for advice on finding a spouse or staying with the one you have, you should probably turn elsewhere. And if you really want to read a book by a rebbetzin, I’d check out the other two rebbetzin authors on Amazon first.